


locum tenens

by labelleepoque



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Amnesia, Angst with a Happy Ending, Dissociation, Dysfunctional Family, F/M, Fire Lord Katara, Fire Lord Zuko, Fire Nation (Avatar), Fire Nation Royal Family, Gen, Katara (Avatar)-centric, Married Couple, Mental Health Issues, Mystery, Post-War, Spirit World (Avatar), This is basically a writing exercise for me do not take any of this seriously, darker than canon but not super dark
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-12
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:07:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 16,745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27495451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/labelleepoque/pseuds/labelleepoque
Summary: Katara knows that this whole mess started with the burning. Nothing was ever the same after that. Not her, not Zuko, and not the country.or: Katara knows Zuko is alive even if he himself refuses to accept it.
Relationships: Katara & Iroh (Avatar), Katara & The Gaang (Avatar), Katara & Ursa (Avatar), Katara/Zuko (Avatar)
Comments: 45
Kudos: 82





	1. the fire lord

_locum tenens- to hold the place of, to substitute for_

**chapter one** : the fire lord

i.

Azula’s death is where it all starts to go wrong. 

She returns from the Royal Children’s Hospital to their rooms. She goes to her closet and takes off her glittering crown and fine silks changing into a simple robe. She brushes her hair and notices a strong burning scent. She runs into their bedroom to find her husband burning portraits over a container. His long black hair hides his face as he sits in his blood crimson bathrobe. 

She looks and sees portraits of his father, grandfather, and great-grandfather twisting and blackening until they turn into ashes. 

She asks, “Zuko, what is wrong?”

He turns to her with tears in his eyes. He is pale, paler than she has ever seen him as he says, “Azula is dead. The nurses found her this morning. Her funeral will be at dusk in two days.”

She runs to him and pulls him into her arms. He begins crying and speaks through the tears. “I-- I don’t know why, I went to tell my father. I felt he deserved to know.”

A shiver runs down her spine thinking of Zuko speaking to Ozai. 

He continues, “He thinks I killed her. He told me I am finally behaving like a Fire Lord. That maybe I have the blood of dragons in me after all.” 

Tears begin to fall as she whispers, “No, he is wrong.”

He looks up at her, gold meeting blue. 

“You do have dragon’s blood but dragons are not like he believes. They are brave, noble, and proud just like you and your uncle.”

He nods at her in acknowledgment of what she said but she can see the tension in his eyes. He lets out a breath and lays his head where her neck meets her shoulder. 

He clings tighter to her as she clings tighter to him.

ii.

She kneels beside Zuko and his family as the Fire Sages go through the funeral rites.

“Princess Azula. You were daughter of Ozai and Ursa. Sister of Zuko, Kiyi, and Katara. Niece of Iroh. We honor you and lay you to rest. May your spirit rest beside Great Agni forevermore.”

She notices Zuko’s hand beginning to shake slightly as they watch Azula’s body burn. She discreetly takes his hand in hers under their flowing white robes. She squeezes it as she watches him calm. 

She turns her eyes back towards the flames. She thinks of the brilliant, cruel, and broken girl. The girl who chased them across the world. The girl who smiled as she killed Aang. The girl who almost killed her own brother under a blood-red sky. The girl who she pitied in the days, months, and years that followed the battle. 

The sister who would never speak, not even once, when she visited. Never sparing a single word for her mother, uncle, or Katara. The sister who saved all her taunts and tears for Zuko, only Zuko. She watches as the flames grow higher and higher and the smoke blends into the night sky. 

(In the end, we are all ashes.)

iii. 

Per tradition, the royal family must not be seen in public or conduct any duties of state for the week-long mourning period. 

Katara and Zuko take tea in his mother’s favorite sitting room with Uncle and Kiyi. The walls are pale peach and overlook Ursa’s favorite gardens in the royal grounds. 

The five of them sit in uneasy silence in their mourning robes. They drink the warm jasmine tea and eat the sesame cake but none feel real thirst or hunger. 

She knows that Iroh, Ursa, and Zuko feel guilt for Azula’s life and her death. All three of them feared her, loved her, and believe they failed her. 

Kiyi is different. She did not fear Azula, she loved her in the same way one loves an unknown grandparent. A love that is real but at the periphery of one’s life and not the center. Kiyi is fifteen and free, mostly unburdened by life. Her greatest worries involve homework and costumes for festivals. She firebends not because her life depends on it but because she uses it to freely express herself. Katara supposes that freedom comes from being raised away from her unbalanced sister and tyrannical father. With her brown hair and brown eyes, she looks more like Ty Lee than Zuko, Azula, or their parents. She wondered where the looks came from until Iroh mentioned that Kiyi is the spitting image of his mother, Ilah. 

Kiyi speaks, breaking the silence. “I had a dream last night.”

They all look over at her. She has a soft look in her chestnut eyes as she looks out into the garden. She takes another sip of her warm tea wrapping her hands around the delicate cup. 

The teenager continues, “It was of a blue dragon flying high in the sky.”

Tears and a soft smile appear on Ursa’s face as she hugs Kiyi. 

Iroh sets his cup down and says in a low voice, “It is a sign from Agni. A sign that she is at peace.”

Katara turns towards Zuko at her left. She rests her hand on his knee as he continues sipping his tea. 

iv.

She feels someone pushing their silk sheets down and stirring besides her. She opens her eyes and looks over in the quiet darkness of their room. She sees Zuko’s face twisting and contorting in pain.

She shakes him awake. 

“Zuko! It's a dream! You are safe!”

He opens his eyes and his bright eyes meet her eyes in the darkness. 

He sits up in the bed and takes a deep breath. She watches as he gets up to go to their bathroom. She hears the water running and she knows he is splashing his face and neck. 

He returns to bed and pulls her body towards him. He wraps his arms around her and she presses a kiss to his neck. 

“What did you dream about?”

“I saw my sister.”

“What happened?”

“I- I saw her body hanging from the rope. She was dead but she lifted her head and told me my time will come soon.”

Katara shifts her body to lay on top of his and takes his head in her hands. 

Her voice is firm as she says, “It was a dream. A very terrible dream. Do you remember what I made you promise me?”

He clears his throat before he replies. “You will be 105 when you die and we will die together on Ember Island holding hands in our sleep.”

She laughs, “See, you promised and princes always keep their promises.”

He shakes his head, “I’m not a prince, Katara. I’m a lord remember.”

She rolls her eyes and says, “That should be all the more reason to keep that promise.”

He kisses her softly before they return to sleep. 

v.

It is three months after Azula’s funeral when she finds out she is pregnant. 

She and Zuko are having smoked sea slug for dinner, just the two of them in their dining room. 

He offers her sake and she declines. 

He furrows his brow but drinks his cup.

She smiles, “Aren’t you going to ask why?”

He raises his eyebrow, “There is a reason?” He takes another sip. 

“Yes, Zuko. I can’t have sake tonight or any other night for a long time. It’s not safe for the baby.”

He chokes slightly as he places his cup down. His eyes go wide and Katara chuckles. He gets up from his seat and crouches next to her and takes her hand. 

He smiles brightly and she sees tears forming in his eyes. “A baby?”

She nods her head and laughs as their lips meet again and again. 

Questions begin to tumble out of his mouth. “Have you been ill? How far along are you?”

She smiles brightly, “I’ve been feeling nauseous occasionally and I have to use the bathroom more often than before but I am fine. I am about six weeks along now.” 

She watches as Zuko furrows his brow, she knows what he wants to ask before he even opens his mouth. 

She firmly says, “I know exactly what you are thinking and no. I don’t need your mother or uncle’s help with my schedule. I plan on continuing all of my duties until our baby is born. Okay?”

He takes her hand and kisses it. “Okay.”

vi.

Since Katara announced her pregnancy, Zuko has been much more open in his affection for her. Before he would leave flowers, short poems, or notes for her to see when she woke up but now he holds her hand and kisses her as they walk through the halls of the palace. He also has taken to drawing sketches of her during their morning meetings and giving them to her later on. She now has a bound leather notebook to save all these small gifts. 

As her pregnancy develops, they continue on in their normal routine. They attend meetings with their Advisory Council in the mornings. They often take their lunch togethers in the garden enjoying the calm air and feeding the turtleducks. In the afternoons, Zuko and Katara usually meet with the various heads of the ministries. Twice a week, Katara goes into the city to meet with various organizations or visit the hospitals. 

Today, she is meeting with the heads of the royal universities to discuss the intellectual exchange program between faculty and students in the Fire Nation with Ba Sing Se University and the newly established University of Republic City. 

She walks back towards the palace flanked by her Kyoshi Warrior guards, Ling and Hua. She detests the palanquin, only riding them for the most serious cultural and state events, something that she and Zuko are in total agreement on. They both enjoy walking the city streets, getting to know and interact with the citizens. 

She hears Ling and Hua giggling and she asks them what they are looking at. 

Ling turns to her and says, “Oh, we are just looking at Princess Kiyi over there on a date.”

Katara’s eyes narrow as she tries to make out Kiyi among the crowd. She sees the girl sitting by the fountain sharing fire flakes with a young man. She smiles as Kiyi tosses the fire flakes into her date’s mouth. 

She looks at Ling and Hua and the three of them laugh. 

Hua asks, “Are you going to go ask to be introduced?”

Katara shakes her head, “No, I’ll let her have her fun.”

That afternoon, she and Zuko kneel in the temple before the Fire Sages. She and Zuko are silent as the Sages pray for Agni’s guidance and protection for the Fire Nation and the royal family. The Sages begin to read their child’s future in the flames.

“They will be a strong firebender.”

“A gracious Fire Lord.”

“Their name will be remembered for generations.”

Later, she sits in bed, her long hair loose around her as she clutches the blue blanket that Gran-Gran stitched for the baby. A week ago, her family sent a shipment of southern treats, a sling, blankets, a bone talisman, and a book of southern tales for the baby. Katara smiles thinking of her family and how they will all be traveling to the Fire Nation to help support her and welcome the baby after birth. 

Zuko comes out of the bathroom and she smells the rosewater scent of his lotion and shampoo. He climbs on the bed and stops to kiss her knee. 

Zuko lays on his stomach and leans on his elbow. “See, you didn’t have to worry. We already knew the baby would be a firebender. They always kick at daybreak when I rise to pray. Also you eat so many fire flakes Uncle jokes that you’ll turn into a dragon one of these days.” 

She sighs, continuing to clutch the soft blanket. “I know but still, will they be accepted?” 

Zuko furrows his brow thinking of what to say. He replies to her in a gentle tone of voice with strength in his eyes. “They are our child, of course they will be accepted. The people love you and have loved you for years now.” He continues, “Our baby will have the best qualities of us, they will be an amazing leader and person. They will demonstrate to the world how strong we can all be when we break down our barriers and see each other for who we truly are, humans.” 

She half-smiles. “That last part sounds like something Aang would say.” 

Zuko smirks, “Well, he is the Avatar, he has to be right at least some of the time.” 

That night is a full moon, so Katara lays awake listening to Zuko’s soft breathing and looking at his features in the moonlight. At times like these, she can hardly believe he was ever her enemy. Those days seem almost like an entirely different life. To her, it feels like he has always been her gentle, beautiful, stubborn, noble, and sometimes frustrating husband. 

Just as she leans closer to him to focus on his annoyingly long eyelashes ( ~~she is~~ ~~jealous,~~ totally not jealous), he opens his eyes. 

He looks over her face in the darkness and half-smiles at her. “Were you staring at me again?”

“No,” she replies quickly. 

He narrows his sharp eyes at her. “If you say so.”

His eyes soften and his low voice is made raspier by sleep. “Our son’s name, it came to me in a dream.”

“Our son?” She queries, teasingly. For weeks he had been telling her the baby was a girl. 

He replies, “Yes, our son. His name is Katsuo.”

 _Katsuo_ , she repeats softly and when she closes her eyes she can almost imagine him. A baby with her brown hair and Zuko’s golden eyes. 

She tilts her head moving closer to Zuko’s shoulder. “What if the baby is a girl?”

Zuko pushes his long hair out of his face and looks at her with shining eyes. “Then we will name her Kya.”

 _Kya_ , she remembers her mother’s kind smile, loud laugh, and bravery. How it was through finding her mother’s killer that the wall of mistrust between her and Zuko broke down. That experience deepened the bond between them and planted the seeds of love that grew into their marriage and child. Katara touches her mother’s necklace as tears begin to fall. She whispers, “How did you know?”

Smiling as he wipes the tears from her cheeks, Zuko declares, “Some things you just know.”

She pulls him into a hug and whispers that she loves him over and over again.

vii.

Zuko has just returned from a two week trip to Republic City. He met with Aang, Sokka, and Toph to discuss the rising ethnic tensions in the city. She wished that she could have gone to help her friends but in Zuko’s absence she is acting Fire Lord. Fire Nation businesses and cultural sites in the city have been attacked by unknown perpetrators. Their advisors are unsure if the violence is due to the gang wars between rival Fire Nation and Earth Kingdom gangs or if there is a broader political motive at work. 

It is around this time that Katara begins to notice that something is wrong with Zuko. Something beyond the normal stresses of ruling. He tosses and turns in the night. When he prays in the morning, it is either for hours in their private gardens or not at all. She often forces Zuko to lay down so she can give him massages with scented oil or comb his hair to calm him. More than once she has caught him staring into a mirror, covering his scar. He stays up late in his office and she often has to go there to force him to come to bed. Except one night, she goes to his office to find him and he is not there. She looks in the library and the gardens and he is not there either. 

The next morning at breakfast, she asks him where he was. Zuko looks haggard with dark circles under his eyes and unshaven cheeks. Zuko mutters that he couldn’t sleep so he went flying with Druk over the Caldera to calm himself. She accepts his explanation and reminds him that he can talk to her about anything. He responds that he knows that and takes a sip of his tea. She doesn’t press him further but knows there is more to this story. 

She reaches out to her guards to investigate discreetly. 

Katara meets with Ling and Hua in her sitting room. She sips her warm tea and looks around the powder blue room with panda lily detailing. The new design of the room was a wedding gift from Zuko. She looks over at the two young women. They have served with her since her time as the Southern Ambassador and she counts them as two of her closest friends in the city. 

She admits that she is worried about Zuko. She admits that she might be worried over nothing. She admits that her hormones might be making her paranoid. She asks them in an unsteady voice, “I just want you to follow him to see where he is going. I am worried about him and he won’t talk to me. I need to know if I am getting worked up over nothing. He just seems different now.”

The two women promise her to be discreet and return to her with their findings. 

viii. 

Katara is dressed in a blue robe as she brushes her hair on their bed. Her chestnut waves are glossy by the time she sets her brush down. She rubs her hand over her stomach and smiles as she feels her baby kick. She bites her lower lip thinking of what to say to Zuko. When Ling and Hua told her where he had been going she couldn’t believe it. She had to fight to keep down the bile in her throat. 

The night before she had a terrible dream. She was walking through a mist and saw Zuko in the distance and no matter how fast she ran or yelled his name he kept drifting further and further away from her. She closes her eyes and wonders if the dream represented reality. If Zuko was truly drifting away from her, if he even wanted her or loved her anymore. 

Zuko comes into their bedroom, taking off his crown and changing into a black robe. He kisses her forehead and places his warm hand on her stomach. She watches him as he sits in a chair to enjoy a plate of fruit. 

She looks over at him, he is just sitting there like nothing is wrong. Like he hasn’t been hiding something from her. She feels her anger rising and she can’t keep it in any longer. 

“Would you be happy if I left?” She asks in a strong voice. 

Zuko’s eyes widen and he blinks several times, unsure if he heard her correctly. “What?” 

She narrows her stormy eyes at him. “Your mother is on Ember Island with Kiyi and Uncle only travels here every couple of months. If I left then you could do whatever you wanted and no one here would stop you. Our baby is a firebender so you don’t even need me anymore.” 

Zuko drops the plate and Katara hears it shatter on the floor. She looks up at him and sees him clenching his fist and jaw. 

He half-shouts, “Katara, you are my best friend, my partner, and the greatest waterbender in the world!” He continues, “You are my wife and lover! Why would I ever want you to leave?”

She looks away from him, feel ashamed for even suggesting that. “I’m sorry, Zuko. I feel like I rarely see you anymore.” 

She sees the continued hurt in his eyes. “I’m sorry too. Katara, I love you and I don’t deserve you. I’m always messing something up, somehow.” 

“Zuko, what are you saying-“

He pulls her silk robe down and begins to kiss and bite at her shoulder. 

His voice is low, “I think we both may have things to apologize for. It seems I’ve been neglecting one of my main duties as your husband.” 

He undresses her completely and lays down so they are side by side facing each other. He looks her over and smiles. “I’ll never get over how each day you are more beautiful than the day before. You put the stars to shame.” 

She blushes bright red as Zuko moves up her body, planting soft kisses on her neck and face. 

He whispers in her ear, “I love you and need you here. Don’t leave me, please. I couldn’t bear it.” 

He hooks his leg over her side and pulls her closer for an open-mouth kiss. 

Later as she drifts off to sleep, sated and warm with Zuko flush against her, she realizes they never actually talked about where he has been going. 

ix.

They are yelling, half-screaming at each other over breakfast. She remembers the old days when she disliked him. She wonders when disliking him and loving him started feeling the same. 

“You keep secrets, Zuko! This is exactly why Mai left you, you struggle to let people in!”

He scoffs, “That’s not why Mai left me! Mai left me because I fell in love with you! Just like Aang left you for falling in love with me! We realized we were in love with each other after I took lightning for you, remember?”

They are just standing across a table from each other but she has never felt further away from him. What was once a calm and steady stream now feels like a raging ocean. 

She sighs and pushes her brown hair back. She calmly states, “Zuko, I just worry about you.” 

He looks at her and she can see the unshed tears in his eyes. “You have a father who loves you, who understands you. I wish I had that.”

“Zuko, you have Iroh!”

Zuko sits on their futon. He puts his head in his hands and exhales. “It’s not the same and you know it. I came from Ozai, just like our baby comes from me.” 

She walks over and runs her hands over his shoulders and upper back. She doesn’t understand how a man who lives underground in a tomb can loom high over someone who lives in the sun. 

“Zuko, please tell me what’s wrong.“ 

“I’m scared Katara. I’m scared that I’ll become like him. I have to talk to him, to understand him, to find out where it all went wrong for him. He used to love me then he stopped. What if I become like that?” 

“I’ll never be afraid of you and our baby won’t either. You are nothing like him.” 

“You used to be afraid of me.” 

“That was then and even then I really wasn’t. I always knew I could beat your ass if you ever came after us.” 

Comments like that never fail to bring a slight smirk to Zuko’s face but it doesn’t work this time. 

She sits down next to him on the futon. “Zuko, I love you. I love you very much.” 

“I don’t see how you can love me when I don’t even love myself.” 

She is silent, rubbing his back and letting him continue. 

“Katara, you were the one who told me I was the Fire Lord’s son, that I had war and hatred in my blood. Well, what if you are right? There must be something sick and broken inside of me, in my family. We are killers, even Mom and Uncle have blood on their hands. Uncle bathed the Earth Kingdom in blood for years and loved it. If my cousin had lived Ba Sing Se would have been under Fire Nation rule long before Azula killed Aang.” 

She takes his head in her hands. “I was wrong, Zuko. I’m sorry that I even told you that. The people in your family made choices, some good and others bad. And just like you, your Uncle made the choice to change, to work to build peace. Your mother only killed to save you, no one in this world would fault her for that.”

“Are you telling me Azula made a choice? She chose to be like that? She chose to lose her mind?” 

She sees the candles in their room rising higher in time with Zuko’s harsh breathing. 

“Zuko, please calm yourself. Just look at me. What happened to Azula was not your fault, it was not her fault either. She was sick and she was in pain. She was in so much pain that she wanted it to end, not thinking about how much it would hurt those who loved her.”

Zuko’s breathing calms and he pulls Katara up to cradle her in his lap. He presses his face into her soft hair. “I love you and I’m sorry. I’m sorry for pushing you away.” 

Katara whispers, “What did you tell me when you gave me my engagement comb?” 

“Oh gods, don’t make me say it again. It was so corny. Everyone teased me for months about it.” 

“Say it, please.” She pleads. 

“After cleansing fire, comes healing rain. That only together, we would make the Fire Nation and the world better.” 

“Yes, my love. You and I were meant to be.” 

“You still believe that?” 

“Always. I couldn’t love you more than I do now. You are a part of me- in my blood, my dreams, and my heart.” She takes his hand and kisses it. 

x.

They were doing better until they weren’t. She thinks maybe troubles are like the moon, they wax and wane, shift and change. Sometimes you might not see the moon but that doesn’t mean it disappeared. 

“It’s not you and I truly mean that. You mean more to me than the sun, moon, and the stars. It's me, the problem has always been me, Katara.”

“Where are you going?”

“I can’t tell you that. I wish I could. All I can tell you is that I’ll be gone for two weeks but I won’t be leaving the Fire Nation. When I come back you will see and understand.”

“Why are you doing this to me? To us?” 

“Katara, I have to do this. I have to so I can live with myself.” 

“You are a bastard, Zuko! I can’t believe this. You are leaving me when you know I can’t chase after you.” 

“I’m so sorry, Katara. I’ll make this up to you. When I come back we’ll go to Ember Island. Take a break from our duties and enjoy the last two months of your pregnancy. Our baby will be born there. I’ll do anything to earn your forgiveness.”

Katara doesn’t reply so Zuko continues rambling. “I'll apologize with every part of me- my body, my heart, and my mind. I'll make you feel good like I used to. I'll spend hours touching and tasting you. We can spend all day in our bed or on the beach. We’ll be completely alone until it’s time for the baby to be born. Then our family can join us, how does that sound?” 

“Gods, Zuko! You said you were leaving so leave.” 

“Katara, don’t let us part this way. At least hug me goodbye.” 

“Zuko, I’m so angry with you. I-- I don’t want to talk to you or touch you. Leave, please just leave me alone.” 

He is silent and she quietly says, “I can’t miss you if you don’t go.” 

“I’m so sorry. I love you and goodbye, beloved.” 

She didn't say anything because she felt he didn't deserve to hear anything from her and maybe that was true. But in the weeks and months ahead she'll think back to this moment and wonder if a few words could have changed everything. 

xi.

The first week passes quickly. She heads the council meetings and meets with all the ministers. Zuko’s absence is not noted by many, he is known to take trips through the countryside. He is much more engaged with the local people than his father and grandfather ever were and they love him for it. 

Kiyi and Ursa have returned from Ember Island and Katara is often with them. The three of them spend hours in the garden smiling, laughing, and discussing their favorite stories. 

They help her decorate the baby’s nursery in shades of red and gold. She rolls her eyes, not surprised at all. They also help her decorate the baby’s pale blue playroom with water tribe items and touches. 

She worries about Zuko but only in the soft darkness of their room, when she leans over to feel his warmth and finds nothing. She loves her husband, deeply. She knows that he is in deep pain but maybe it is like he said, it is something he must solve on his own. He knows she loves him just as she knows he loves her. Their love for each other is as assured as the sparkling sun and the glowing moon. As she drifts off to sleep she reminds herself of a truth she has come to hold deep in her heart. 

Zuko always comes back. 

Zuko always comes back. 

Zuko always comes back. 

Zuko always comes back. 

xii. 

Katara is enjoying a small lunch with her secretary Aiya when Kiyi runs through the door. The teenager’s topknot is askew with hairs out of place but her brown eyes are sparkling. Kiyi tells her that Druk has been spotted. Katara quickly apologizes to Aiya and leaves with Kiyi. She can’t keep the smile off her face as they walk towards stables. Katara is still angry with Zuko, very angry, but she is happy he returned home to her. Whatever problems they have, they will solve together.

She stands with Kiyi under the clear sunlight and watches as Druk comes closer and closer. Druk lands and she tilts her head because Zuko would have jumped down by now but he hasn’t. She walks briskly towards the dragon and sees that there is no one on him. Druk came alone. 

What happens after Katara does not remember. 

She doesn’t remember falling to the grass and crying. 

She doesn’t remember being carried to her room. 

She doesn’t remember who brought Iroh or who brought her friends and family. 

xiii. 

There is a small outer island in the Fire Nation. It is quiet, empty, and beautiful. It has a vast forest and high cliffs that overlook the open sea. This island has nothing of note to speak of. No legends or tales, no battles or wars. 

But for Katara, this island becomes one of the most important places in the world. It is the place where the royal guards found Zuko’s charred travel clothes and gleaming crown. 

She used to wonder if there was a limit to how much pain a person could experience in their life. If the spirits at one point said _stop, that person has gone through enough, let them know peace, let them live their dreams._ She finds that there is no limit to pain. Pain can be endless, it runs as deep and wide as the ocean. 

She doesn’t wonder about pain anymore, she just feels it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, everyone who is waiting for me to update will wonders never cease, I'm sorry. I'm sorry because this story randomly popped into my head two nights ago and I had to start writing. This is dedicated to my friends in the Bingo Night groupchat on Twitter, they know who they are. Kiyi is Ozai's daughter in this, sue me. Ikem? I don't know him. Please don't come for me in the comments. This story is meant to be difficult. No, I don't think this accurately reflects these characters or necessarily how their marriage would be, this is only a darker version I thought of. I honestly just wanted to write a story where Zuko has serious self-esteem issues and is kind of a jerk. Love doesn't make those problems go away.


	2. the tunnel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Life goes on, in its own way.

**chapter two** : the tunnel

i.

Against the advice of Gran-Gran and Iroh, Katara goes to the island. 

She wraps her arms around herself as she walks the island with Aang, Sokka, Suki, and Toph. A damp wind brings a chill to her that goes deep into her bones. This island makes her feel something but she cannot name it. Aang, himself, notes the strange energy of the island. Katara walks up to the cliff, wanting to look at every part of the island. She looks downward at the dark water churning and hitting the rocks below. 

The five of them search the forest for any sign of Zuko. Katara's eyes catch the light and shadow dancing across them as they walk deeper and deeper into the trees. She takes in the smell of the sea and the leaves beneath her feet. She cannot understand why Zuko would ever come to a place like this. What was he looking for? What did he find?

They find no sign of him and return towards the capital with more questions than answers. 

ii.

Katara looks at Zuko’s crown running her fingers over the smooth ridges of it. Somehow, the gold of the crown pales in comparison to the gold of Zuko’s eyes. This gold is of the earth, bound to this world and the things of it while Zuko’s eyes were of the stars. In them, she found something intense and free. 

She looks up and sees Iroh patting her hand. He speaks to her in a soft voice, assuring her that Zuko’s troubles were not her fault. Katara smiles softly at the man and clutches his hand in thanks. They drink tea in the hush of her office. Katara looks down at her stomach and rubs her hand over it gently, finding comfort in the gesture. 

She stays inside the palace, continuing to meet with ministers and advisors. Iroh and Ursa assist her anyway they can. Ursa takes over meetings with organizations in the city while Iroh placates the nobles. 

Her loved ones cycle in and out of her rooms. If she is not being comforted or reassured by them, she is being peppered with questions, mainly by Sokka. Her brother, ever the detective, takes down notes as she talks about Zuko’s routine and habits. She speaks of his pensiveness, weariness, and the overall air of malaise that surrounded him the past couple months. 

Sokka sets down his brush and examines her face with soft eyes. Sokka speaks to her in a soft and clear voice. “Why didn’t you tell any of us? We could have helped you, helped him.”

Katara covers her face with her hands and finds that she cannot stop the tears. She whispers, “I saved him once, I thought I could do it again.”

iii. 

She dreams every night of Zuko. She can almost smell and feel him in her dreams. The physical aspects of him are burned into her memory. The way his face would contort in pleasure when they made love, his dancing eyes as he told her and their friends Fire Nation tales, and his determined gaze. 

What she remembers most is his kindness. They would travel discreetly and simply through the countryside to learn how to best address the needs of the citizens. Zuko would scribble notes down and go over them late into the evening. In the mornings, the two of them would sit and begin working on social programs and public work initiatives. At night, they would sit in bed holding hands whispering their dreams for the country and their family. 

Throughout their many travels, she realized something about Zuko. He didn’t value his own life, not in the way most people did. He would throw himself into danger immediately without ever considering the cost. Sometimes he acted like he had no sense of self-preservation. It seems that he only thought of himself in relation to other people. He would do absolutely anything to protect the ones he loved. A dark thought enters her mind, one that goes through her heart like pointed daggers. What if Zuko thought he was no longer valuable to the people in his life? What would he do? She pictures the dark water of the island and the sharp rocks but pushes those terrible images from her mind. 

_(Zuko wouldn’t. Zuko wouldn’t. Zuko wouldn’t.)_

iv.

He treats her visits like a game. She knows he is toying with her, trying to twist and tangle into her mind. But she is not Zuko, she was not born seeing him as the sun so she does not fear his shadow. 

He does not speak, he just listens to her as she says anything to push him to answer her questions about Zuko. She tells him about his high-crowned son. How the people call him Fire Lord Zuko the Dawnbreaker, for bringing the Fire Nation out of the age of darkness. She tells him how they call him Ozai the Kinslayer, the oathbreaker. How his living daughter knows nothing of him nor does she wish to. 

And suddenly, he turns to her with hollowed cheeks and rheumy eyes. His voice is gruff from disuse and she has to lean closer to the bars to hear him. “Fire Lady, have you heard the story of the blind men and the camelelephant?”

 _Fire Lady_ , from his lips the title sounds like an ancient curse. 

Katara narrows her eyes at him. “I did not come to hear children’s tales from a viper,” she barks. 

He laughs, a viscous sound. “The story is about Zuko. You, his mother, uncle, this whole damn country, you are all the blind men. You are too close to see Zuko for what he truly is, you have no perspective.”

“Oh, and from this cell you have perspective?” She taunts. 

The man huffs, crossing his arms. His tone is as sharp as knives when he replies. “Yes, I have never been blind to what Zuko is.”

She glares down at him, her crown glittering in the shadows. “And what is Zuko?”

The older man shifts his leg in his cell and looks down at the floor. The man looks up at her with a contemptuous smile. “He is a needy child who was in over his head. He wished for things he did not earn or deserve.”

Katara clenches her fist and raises her voice at him. “Shut up! At least he can still feel the flame.”

Ozai pushes his hair back and snaps at her. “One cannot feel the flame from the bottom of the sea.”

Katara is silent, placing a hand on her stomach. A deep coldness goes through her core, like she is caught in a snowstorm with no way out of it. Ozai sneers at her and continues, “Word in this country travels as fast as light.”

She breathes out sharply. “You killed him.”

He shakes his head. “No, I did not. The boy did that to himself. To live one must be courageous. Zuko had no courage.”

She quickly retorts, “I guess Azula didn’t either.” She knows just where to hit him. Ursa chose Zuko and Ozai chose Azula. Azula was the shining sun for him and there was no space in his heart for another. 

His matted hair covers his face but she can see a hint of pain in his golden eyes. “She did until Zuko had her killed.” He smirks, “The only brave thing he did in his life. He managed to kill his better.”

Katara begins to walk out of the prison. Too sick to hear anymore from him. 

Ozai shouts out after her. “A word of advice, waterbender. The sooner you accept Zuko’s death, the better off this country and your child will be! The Fire Nation above all else!”

v.

She and Ursa eat quietly in her dining room. They both eat half-heartedly, pulling only small pieces of their steamed buns into their mouths. They take a few sips of their oolong tea, appreciating the warmth but not the flavor of it. 

“I will see him, I must see him.” Ursa says softly. 

Katara takes Ursa’s hand in hers and whispers a quiet thanks. 

She looks on with Iroh as Kiyi and Ursa enter the palanquin, their robes blending into the pink evening sky. 

Ursa returns solemn but sure that Ozai did not directly have a hand in Zuko’s disappearance. Katara knows that Ozai is to blame. Ozai is to blame for all of Zuko’s pain. 

vi.

Katsuo was born on Ember Island, just as Zuko wished for him to be. 

Gran-Gran presents the baby to Katara and whispers her praise to her. 

Katara counts his delicate toes and fingers and looks at his dark mop of hair. She smiles as she can already see Zuko in his features. Through teary eyes, she sees that his golden eyes are the same hue as his father’s eyes. 

She cries out of joy and sadness. She cries for her son’s presence and her husband’s absence. She focuses on her child, trying to remember every second of this precious event. She says a prayer of thanks to Tui, La, and Agni for this wonderful gift. 

Soon her family half-stumbles into the room. Katara laughs as her son bunches his brows together, almost like he knew he was being assessed by his family and did not appreciate it. Hakoda presses a light kiss to his daughter’s forehead and prays a southern blessing over his grandson. Suki, Sokka, and her niece Kyoshi coo over the baby. As Sokka and Suki argue about which features come from which parent, Kyoshi gently touches her cousin’s fingers. Aang holds the baby in reverence and runs his thumb along his hairline. Toph gently touches her fingers to his face, familiarizing herself with his features. She smiles softly remarking how cute he is. Ursa and Kiyi shed a few tears as they smile brightly, congratulating Katara. 

She feels so much joy that her heart could burst but a part of her feels empty without Zuko at her side. 

vii. 

The sunlight is almost blinding as Katara stands clutching Sokka’s arm, her nails nearly digging into them. If it hurts, Sokka makes no sign of it. He just stands beside her, comforting her with his firm presence. 

They watch as Iroh stands upright and lifts Katsuo towards the sun. The general looks up towards the heavens and conducts the traditional blessing. He dedicates Katsuo to Agni and proclaims his status as crown prince of the Fire Nation. Katsuo stirs as his grandfather prays that his flame will never go dim and his name will be remembered for a thousand generations. 

Katara is only vaguely listening to the blessing. She is happy but now all joy comes with a bite of pain. She thinks of how much Zuko has missed. He has missed their son’s birth and his blessing. He has also missed the opening of the new center for widows and orphans along with the arrest of two major gang leaders in Republic City.

As she cradles her son in her arms and runs a finger down his soft cheek, she says a prayer for Zuko. She prays to both their gods for his safe return. She prays that wherever he is, he is in good health and can feel her love warming him like the morning sun. 

viii. 

She knows what they think. They do not dare say it in front of her but she sees it in their glances and she hears their whispers when they believe she isn’t listening. 

It has been over five months with no sign of Zuko. Segments of the home guard continue searching for signs of him throughout the country. Katara also knows that the White Lotus has agents searching for Zuko across the globe. No group has taken credit for his disappearance, made demands, or asked for ransom. She still refuses to consider anything other than Zuko being taken. He is not dead and did not run away. He just needs them to find him so he can come back home. 

One night, she finds her father, Iroh, Aang, and Sokka whispering around soft candlelight. 

In the lowlight, she can see that their faces are ashen and their eyes mournful. 

The four of them look over when they see her approaching. They all stop talking at once. 

“What? What happened?”

Aang’s saffron and yellow robes shift in the breeze as he approaches her. He sighs and rubs his neck. 

“Katara, I went to the spirit world. I couldn’t find Zuko there.”

She begins to smile and clutches Aang’s shoulders. The heaviness that has been on her heart begins to lift. “That is good news, right? That means that he is alive! That’s he’s out there somewhere and needs our help!” 

Aang lowers his head, knowing that she was always able to read his eyes. “Yes, he could still be alive,” the monk says hesitantly. 

She tries to keep her voice even. “What are you not telling me, Aang? What else could have happened?”

Aang looks up at her, his eyes guileless and loving. He replies with a look in his eyes that gives away his ancient age, “Katara, he could very well be alive but he could also be among the spirits. Sometimes those who pass on do not want to be found. Either out of shame or embarrassment.” 

Katara’s eyes go icy and she speaks through clenched teeth. “Zuko is alive.”

Sokka places a hand on Katara’s shoulder to comfort her. His eyes are sympathetic and his voice gentle, “Katara, we have to consider all options. It’s been months. We know nothing more now than we did when he first disappeared.”

Katara scoffs, “I wonder how Zuko would feel knowing that his best friends and family think he’s dead instead of searching for him.” She turns and walks back towards her bedroom. 

ix.

The arguments continue with Katara ignoring their suggestions. She hears the whispers, the questions, the concerns of the court. She will not take Zuko’s crown, she cannot. It is Zuko’s name that the people shout. They cry out for Zuko the Dawnbreaker, Agni’s favored son. The boy who was banished and betrayed but returned, always returned for them. 

Iroh and Ursa counsel her not as her family but as the Fire Prince and Princess. They speak to her of an unsettled court and whispers among their enemies, both internal and external, of a weakened Fire Nation. She hears their words and clutches the sparkling crown over her heart. She knows what she must do, she knows what Zuko would want her to do. 

She stands in the noonday sun, looking out at the people, her people. Her speech is not rehearsed, she just tells the people what is in her heart. She speaks of progress and pain, of what once was and what could be. She speaks of the essence of fire, how it is life itself. And finally, she tells them about Zuko. About what he means to her and to the country, about how he charted the path for them and now they must follow it. 

The crowd bows before her as she kneels in her scarlet gown under the cloudless sky. She says a quiet prayer to Tui and La as Great Sage Shyu places Zuko’s crown in her hair. 

The shouts of Fire Lord Katara the Peacemaker ring out long after she leaves the courtyard. The people celebrate with fireworks and dances but she feels no joy. She was never meant for this burden but she will shoulder it proudly. She will change this nation like flowing water erodes stone. She will continue what Zuko began until he returns to her. 

Iroh has tears in his eyes when pulls her into a hug and kisses her cheek. His voice breaks when he says, “Fire Lord, you are a marvel. Zuko would have loved to see you up there. I feel he always knew you were born for this.” 

She can’t help but clutch the older man tighter. 

x.

She taps her foot on the corner of her desk as she goes through her letters. Katsuo is sitting in her lap, eating mashed mango, and getting juice over her papers. She laughs as she wipes his face. 

She pushes the diplomatic letters aside and decides to read the letter from her father. He writes to her that grief is a tunnel. He tells her to go through it, no matter how long it takes. A person cannot climb out of it or linger inside of it. They must walk through it; they must decide to live for themselves and those that love them. 

Her hand is shaking when she puts the letter away. She clutches her son tighter to her and walks to one of the gardens. Katsuo babbles as she smooths down his curly brown hair. 

Her mind feels like a mist, a mist that she cannot navigate. 

_Grieve._

_Grieve._

_Grieve._

_Grieve._

_(How do you grieve for someone who isn’t dead? Someone who she refused to think of as dead? Someone who cannot be dead?)_

She blinks back tears and bites her tongue tasting blood. The spirits of fate are cruel, crueler than she ever thought they could be. As a child they took her mother from her and left her powerless. She fought to gain that power back, to become stronger than she ever thought she could be. Now as the strongest waterbender in the world and the Fire Lord she feels weaker than she has felt in a long time. Her husband is gone, taken from her. But not completely. He exists in her mind between life and death, assurance and uncertainty. 

He is here, everywhere. She sees him in their son. She sees flashes of Zuko in the guards, attendants, nobles, and servants. She sees his outline in every corridor, meeting room, city street, and garden. 

She doesn’t know anything for certain and doesn’t know when she will be able to. Knowing, it is something you take for granted until you are in a position where you don’t know anything. 

So she hopes, like she always has. At times she feels like an unmoored ship drifting off into the sea. But she has the stars above her to guide her and it is her who controls the waves. 

xi.

It has been over a year since Zuko’s disappearance. The harvest festival is going on. She keeps Katsuo in a sling as she walks through Caldera. She is crownless with a simple blue dress cut in the Fire Nation style. Without her crown she can pass off as a wealthy visitor to the city. Aiya, Ling, and Hua walk alongside her in casual clothes. 

She looks appreciatively at the various booths and takes in the sights and smells. Children run along the streets playing and eating the various desserts. Fireworks light up the sky and the whole city is encased in a soft lantern glow. She scans the rows of artwork. Artists from all across the Fire Nation have descended on the Caldera hoping to get a commission or just sell their prior works. 

She stops in front of a stall of very vivid works. Some depicting scenes from traditional plays like _Love Amongst the Dragons_. Other paintings are of various scenes of country life. She sees a young man with his back turned towards her arranging the artwork. Her heart almost leaps because the man reminds her so much of Zuko. He has his hair half up in a topknot and half down just as Zuko wore his. His hair is the same color as Zuko’s and his build looks similar. 

She hesitantly walks towards him. She knows that this is crazy, that there’s no chance that he’s Zuko but she has to look, she has to know. 

Her heart is beating faster than a dragonfly hummingbird and time feels like it has slowed. Her throat is dry as she prepares to speak. She tentatively touches his shoulder and asks, “Hello sir, is this your work?” 

The man turns around and Katara gasps. She can’t keep a smile off her face or the tears from pooling into her eyes. 

The man looks at her and softly says hello. To Katara, it might be the greatest sound she has ever heard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who has read, reviewed, and bookmarked this story. I hope you all continue to enjoy it.


	3. the painter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katara meets someone and she doesn’t think it is for the first time.

**chapter three** : the painter

i.

She feels as if she is soaring on Appa, fast and free, above the clouds. It is like she has been born anew and maybe she has been. Right in front of her, under the soft warmth of the blue-black night, she finds Zuko. 

And it is Zuko, she is sure of that much. He is just as handsome as he was when he left. His features are still angular and defined. His mouth is the same soft pout and his nose is just as elegant. His intense gold eyes are the same ones that often left her breathless when she caught his gaze. 

Katara continues to stare at him and notes that his moon-pale skin is smooth all over- _his scar is gone._

Questions begin to stir in her mind. 

_(Where did he go? How was he healed? Why did he not come home?)_

She just stands there frozen, staring at him. 

Zuko rubs his neck and looks down at her with concern in his golden orbs. “Are you okay, miss?” He asks gently. 

She focuses on his lips as he speaks. _Zuko’s lips_ , she has kissed and touched them enough to recognize them. Her eyes flicker between his lips and bright eyes. 

“Hello?” He waves his hand in front of her face. 

She snaps back to reality. 

She smiles sheepishly, flushing under his gaze. “Sorry, I got distracted by all the lights.” 

He furrows his brow like he only half-believes her. He stammers, “Well, um, my name is Hikari. I’m a painter and this is my stall.” He points to the rows of artwork.

The thoughts in her head are almost overwhelming. _Hikari? Hikari? Hikari?_ But he’s Zuko. How could he be anyone else? 

“Do you need some water or to sit down?” He looks almost as puzzled as she is. 

Katara quickly says, “No! I’m fine. I’m totally fine.” 

“Okay, good. I thought I lost you for a little bit there.” He says with a smirk. 

Katara stutters, “Could you show me your work?” 

So he walks her through his work, describing in detail his inspirations and techniques. He is dressed very simply, wearing a vermilion tunic tucked into brown pants. As he talks, she nods along listening to the sound of his voice but not the words. 

Her brain is processing as much as she can. Zuko came back but he doesn’t seem to remember her. She would think he was pretending but Zuko is a terrible liar. His golden orbs are too warm, too expressive. They reveal his heart no matter what words come out of his mouth. This has been known to her for a long time, she trusts in that. If he does not remember her, it is because he truly doesn’t.

He speaks hesitantly. “So do you wish to buy anything?” 

“All of it.” She blurts out. 

His eyes widen in shock and his cheeks tint slightly. “Are you sure? I wouldn’t recommend that, I don’t think my work is that good.” 

He stammers and quickly says, “Wait, what am I saying?” His lips curve upwards as he meets her eyes. “Thank you. Of course you can buy everything.” 

All she wished, hoped, and prayed for was for Zuko to return and he did but the man who left is not the one who came back. 

Hikari bites the inside of his cheek and she can see him tapping his fingers against his leg. “You must think me so rude. I never asked your name.” 

“My name is Katara,” she whispers softly. 

“Katara.” He repeats, his voice crisp and smooth. Her heart skips a beat, she feared she would never hear him say her name again. She can’t stop taking in his presence. He now has two arched brows, identical eyes and ears, and a smooth face. And he still smells of cinnamon and rosewater. 

“Is it awkward, Katara?” He queries. “Having the same name as the Fire Lord. People must mistake you for her often, especially around here.” 

“No, it’s not awkward at all.” 

He crosses his arms and leans in closer to her. “You mean you don’t get annoyed with people stopping you and asking for help or complaining?” 

“I mean it's not awkward because I am her.” 

“What?” 

“I’m the Fire Lord.” 

He laughs loudly holding his sides. “Yeah and I’m the Avatar. You have to be joking.” 

Katara gestures for Aiya to come over. The young woman hands the painter a gold coin with the royal seal. He runs a slender finger over the coin in awe. His eyes widen comically and he immediately bows. Words begin tumbling out of him. “Your majesty, I beg your pardon for my poor manners. I am a simple man from the countryside.” 

Katara tilts her head. She has absolutely no idea what is going on. What if he isn’t actually Zuko? What if he’s a man who happens to look just like him? She pushes these thoughts out of her head. Her heart knows exactly who he is. No matter what happened to Zuko, no matter what false memories someone put in his mind, and no matter where he thinks he’s from- his heart led him back to her, back to his home. 

If she tells him that she believes he’s Zuko, she’ll scare him off. She has to come up with a plan. What would Sokka do? What would Sokka say? She grins as a plan comes into her mind. 

She readies herself, clearing her throat to speak to him. “The countryside? Where?” 

He answers firmly. “An outer island called Miyako.”

“Miyako.” She repeats and goes over it in her head. She has heard of such a place, it is a very small island known for its chilis. How did her husband end up there? 

Some of his hair has come out of his top knot, the soft strands falling over his eyes. A favorite hobby of hers was running her fingers through his hair relishing the feel of it. Her hand cramps as she resists the urge to push the inky locks out of his face. He moves a pale hand up and pushes the hair back himself. 

“Do you still wish to buy my work?” 

“I wish to do more than that. I wish to be your sponsor. I think you have a gift.” 

“I don’t know what to say, your majesty.” 

“Just say yes.” 

He bows again, “Yes, of course.” 

Katara bites back a smile and questions him. “Where are you staying?” 

“At Ryu’s inn. It’s near the shipyard.” 

She frowns, “But that’s such a long walk from here.” 

The edges of his lips curl slightly and he answers plainly. “It was the best I could afford.” 

“Why don’t you come by the palace tomorrow for lunch? We can discuss better lodgings for you.” 

Hikari pales and stutters, “The palace? You wish to meet me in the palace?” 

“Yes, of course. My son gets fussy sometimes. I doubt he would appreciate the noise of the shipyard.” 

“Your son?” 

_Our son._ She thinks almost automatically. 

She adjusts her sling to reveal the sleeping child’s face. 

Hikari looks down at the boy and smiles softly. “Your majesty, Agni has blessed you with a beautiful child.” 

She feels tears pooling in her eyes. “Yes, he has.” 

It almost feels like a spell has been cast over them, neither of them speak just staring at the other. 

The silence is lifted when Aiya places a gentle hand on Katara’s arm to remind her of the time. Katara curses silently, realizing that it is past Katsuo’s bedtime. She looks up at the painter and says, “I will have a guard escort you to the palace tomorrow.” 

“Yes, of course.” He bows again and she bows her head in acknowledgment. 

“Goodnight your majesty.” 

“Goodnight Zu- _Hikari._ ” 

Later in her rooms, she paces across the floor. She walks over to Katsuo’s crib and runs her finger along his cheek. A soft sigh comes from her mouth. She feels several different emotions all at once- anger, fear, happiness, and sorrow. If Hikari is Zuko then Zuko is alive. But if Hikari is Zuko that means he left her, their child, their family, and their country in search of something. If he wanted to heal his scar why did he not come to her? Talk to her? Why did he not share his burdens with her? What was so wrong that he went off on his own? His scar is healed so he must have found what he was looking for. What did he have to give up to gain that? His memories? Himself? Katara bites her lip hard to keep back the tears and turns to walk out into the gardens. 

The soft grass tickles her feet as she walks towards the pond. The crisp air comforts her as she swirls pond water around her. She moves the water back and forth to calm her mind. The swirling water is placed back into the pond and she sits in the grass. 

Yue stands out bright and clear amongst the pure black of the night. Her head lifts up towards the milky glow. 

“Is it really him?” The waterbender asks quietly into the darkness. 

She hears no reply. 

ii.

In her tribe, religion is much less elaborate than in the North. They honor the gods and spirits through their actions not with flowery words and large temples. The Northerners would sneer at this and call them heathens but Zuko understood. He prayed and honored Agni but preferred to see his life as one of personal choice not one laid out by a divine power. After they wed, he told her that he did not expect her to pray to his gods nor did she expect him to pray to hers. They both only wished for the other to honor them when needed. So at Fire Nation festivals, she honored Agni and when they visited the Water Tribes, he honored Tui, La, and Yue. 

Only after his disappearance did this change. She found herself visiting the Fire Sages’ temple for midday prayers. Today, she kneels as the sages apply holy oil on her forehead. She sits among them drinking spiced tea. She meditates with them before a statue of Agni asking for wisdom and advice. 

After prayers, she sits in the courtyard with Great Sage Shyu. She knows that Zuko sought his guidance so she feels comfortable speaking with him. She remembers his kindness and bravery when he helped her, Aang, and Sokka at Roku’s temple all those years ago. 

Katara tucks a stray curl behind her ear and speaks lowly. “Great Sage Shyu, does Agni ever give a person more than they can bear?” 

Shyu’s dark amber eyes are genuine when he looks over at her. “No Fire Lord, if a person is given a burden it is because Agni believes them strong enough to shoulder it. And your gods?” 

Katara looks into her lap and twists her gold signet ring. “I don’t know.”

iii.

In the drawing room, she places freshly-picked gardenias into a vase remembering that Zuko always loved the scent of them. 

She is nervous. She can feel and hear every single pound in her chest. She fears Hikari being Zuko and she fears him not being Zuko. 

She hears Hua’s voice through the door. “Your majesty, I have arrived with your guest.” 

A saying that Iroh would tell Zuko enters her mind. In the early days of his reign, Zuko would often stay up late looking over facts and figures in candlelight. Iroh would enter his office and say only one phrase: _The things one cannot find in the darkness are often recognized in the daylight._ Maybe seeing him here in the daylight will allow her to know if he truly is Zuko. And if he is Zuko, maybe being in the palace and seeing their home will start to bring back his memories. 

iv.

They sit drinking rose tea and eating fruit in the drawing room. The conversation is polite but made distant by her status as the monarch and his quiet unease. She is not sure where they go from here but seeing him in the sunlight has confirmed her thoughts. He is Zuko, he can be no one else. 

Her eyes narrow as she notices something and a hint of a smile appears on her face. They both took from the plates of apples, grapes, and pears but the papaya remains untouched. She and Zuko both hate papaya. 

She clears her throat and says, “You did not touch the papaya. Do you not like them?” 

Hikari sits stiffly and looks away from her. “No, your majesty. I would say I hate them.” 

She laughs softly at him. 

He looks back at her and looks slightly nervous,“ What is it?” 

She pushes her hair back behind her ear. “You remind me of someone,” she replies. 

She can tell how nervous he is. He keeps brushing pieces of his dark hair over his shoulder. He blurts out, “Are they gone? Oh, sorry- I’m terrible at this. I mean, you don’t have to tell-”

Katara interrupts him, “No, they aren’t gone.” He really doesn’t remember anything. Not her, not this place, not himself. What in the world happened to him?

His brows pucker and he looks directly at her. “Fire Lord-"

“You can say my name.” 

“Your name?” 

“Yes, my given name.” 

A pink tint appears on his cheeks. She resists the urge to bite her lip, she has always loved his blush. 

“Katara.” He breathes out. 

“Could you please say it again?” She asks without thinking. 

Both their eyes widen and they turn away from each other. He looks at the floor while she looks at the plum wall. A sound is heard and Katara realizes that he said her name again. He immediately returns to eating and she takes a sip of her tea. Whatever he was going to tell her was forgotten about completely.

v.

After lunch, Katara takes him on a tour of the palace. He listens intently with a look of astonishment on his face as they walk through the grand halls. They reach the portrait gallery and Katara says a silent prayer. 

They stop in front of Zuko’s portrait. It is a grand portrait with Zuko in his finest formal robes. He stands with the sun behind him cradling two flames in his palms as Druk circles his body. 

Hikari speaks in a soft voice. “Your husband?” 

“Yes.” Katara replies, turning to look at the man. 

He turns his face towards her and their eyes meet. His expression is soft but she does not see pity in his eyes. “I can tell that you loved him very much.” 

Katara replies in a firm voice, “I _love_ him very much.” 

“My apologies, your majesty. I misspoke.” 

She begins walking away from the portrait and he hurries to catch up to her. She looks back at him as he mimics her stride.“It’s quite alright. I understand. For many, he has been gone for sometime but it is like he’s right here with me. Do you understand?” She looks into his eyes, pleading, hoping, praying for some recognition from him. Some sign that he remembers her. She doesn’t see it. She is a stranger to him. 

He nods and looks to be in thought. “I think I do. I was taught that as long as we live our lives in honor of them our loved ones are never far away.” 

“That’s a beautiful sentiment. Who taught you that?” 

“I don’t remember.” He states. 

“What?” Katara exclaims.

“I— sorry, you will find me strange.” Hikari replies quickly. 

“I won’t.” Katara places her hand on his wrist and feels a spark of electricity passing between them. She looks up and can tell he felt the same. She removes her hand and looks away from him. “You can tell me.” 

He places his hand behind his neck and rubs it. “I don’t remember much of my childhood. I remember things like stories or school lessons, sword fighting or bending but nothing of my family or friends.” 

“When do your memories begin?” The waterbender asks softly. 

He lets out a sigh and explains, “I woke up about a year ago in Miyako. A farmer found me and took me to a veterans home. I guess because of my age they assumed I fought in the war. I chose the name Hikari from a story. The director used to be a painter and took me on as a student. He hoped that maybe by painting memories more of them would return. None of them ever did.”

Katara puts her hand on his shoulder. “I’m so sorry. I can try to help you. I’m a healer and I can take you to see the best doctors here in the city.” 

“You would do that for me?” 

She wants to tell him that there is nothing in this life that she wouldn’t do for him. That she’d bring down the stars if he wished for them. She instead says, “Of course. As Fire Lord, it is my duty to help citizens in any way I can.”

vi.

The first healing session is in her office. She runs her hands over his face. She focuses the glowing water on the left side of his face. The skin matches perfectly with the rest of his face as if he was never burned. Then she moves the water over his temples like she did with Jet. He doesn’t react at all and she can’t see any other signs of him having been brainwashed. 

He looks up at her in awe of her ability. She smiles because Zuko has always loved watching her bend. 

He looks slightly puzzled. “Why did you touch my face first?” 

She bites her lip and comes up with a quick lie. “I was just checking all over to see if you had any sign of lingering injuries to give me an idea of what happened to you.” 

He doesn’t seem fully convinced but nods. He half-whispers to her, “What sort of things can you heal?” 

“Burns, lacerations, broken bones, certain diseases, and tissue damage.” 

“Did you say tissue damage?”

“Yes, why?” 

“I have a scar on my chest, the injury must have been pretty severe. I don’t remember how but maybe it has something to do with my memory loss. Like what if I hit my head when it happened?” 

“Please, you can show me.”

She holds her breath as Hikari removes his shirt. She lets out a sharp gasp when she sees the starburst scar in his chest. The one he got when he saved her. 

“I know it looks pretty bad but it doesn’t hurt. I mean I’m sure it hurt a lot when I got it but I don’t remember feeling-“ 

Katara pulls him into her arms as sobs wrack through her body. _It’s him, it’s really him_ , she thinks. 

Hikari places a hand on her soft hair to calm her. He stammers, shocked by the intensity of her reaction. “Please, your majesty, stop crying.”

She continues to cry and hold him, her head settling near his neck. 

He gently grabs her by the shoulders and puts some distance between them. The next thing Katara feels is his warm hand cupping her cheek. 

He whispers, “Katara, stop crying.” 

She leans in closer wanting to kiss him, wanting to feel his warm mouth against hers like she has countless times before. 

He says her name again, firmly, and leans his head back, away from her. 

And even though she knows he doesn’t remember her, that he doesn’t remember loving her, she feels hurt at the rejection all the same. 

She gets up, realizing that she was basically sitting in his lap. She pushes her hair behind her ear and quickly says, “I’m sorry. I just don’t like thinking of you- of anyone being in pain.” She remembers the long hours she spent healing his body. Wiping the sweat from his brow as he clenched his teeth in pain. The times he would even pass out from it. 

“It’s okay, Katara. It’s okay.” 

“I’ll help you find your memories. Your past.” 

He looks at her like she hung the moon and says, “Thank you.” 

They part ways, him to his guest quarters and her to the royal residence. 

She bounces Katsuo on her knee as she writes two letters. One to Aang in Republic City asking for him and Toph to come to the Fire Nation. She keeps it brief and tells him that she needs his help urgently. The other is to Iroh in Ba Sing Se. Kiyi and Ursa are there helping at the tea shop. Zuko’s disappearance has been hard on them all but Ursa often feels too guilty to spend a significant period of time at the palace. She has never said so openly but Katara knows she fears that she lost two of her children as punishment for her role in Ozai's ascension to the throne. Katara hopes that the news can soothe their hearts as it has soothed hers. She sends the letters off on two of the fastest royal hawks. 

The next day, she takes Hikari to the top doctors of the royal hospitals. They test him but cannot find any underlying physical or mental disorders. All they can tell her is that a broken mind is not easily mended. 

vii. 

As they wait for Aang’s arrival, Hikari spends more time with her and Katsuo. He paints portraits of Katsuo and Katara in the gardens or in Katsuo’s playroom. He paints the stables and the throne room. 

The three of them eat their meals together and sit in the royal gardens near the pond. Katara tells him the names of all the turtleducks. 

Hikari throws his head back and laughs when he realizes they are all named after tea. “Did you name them all?” 

“No, my husband did.” She says softly. 

He looks downward. “I’m sorry again, your majesty. I’ve offended you.” 

“No, it is fine. I love talking about him.” 

“Can you tell me about him?” 

Her eyes sparkle, “What do you want to know?” 

Katsuo fusses and crawls towards Hikari. The man silently asks Katara for permission to hold the baby and she nods. Katara tears up as she watches Katsuo settle into Hikari’s lap. She wishes desperately that she could freeze this moment and live in it forever. For so long, this was all she wanted, all she dreamed of. Her, Zuko, and Katsuo together. She thanks Agni, Tui, and La for bringing her love back to her. 

She almost doesn’t even notice Hikari speaking again. “Was he fun to be around? You told me he enjoyed plays.” 

So she tells him about his favorite plays and how he would make fire-pictures for all their friends.She hopes that hearing about himself will bring some memories back. It doesn’t, she can see in his eyes that for him, he is just hearing about a stranger’s life. 

“I wish I could have met him.” He states plainly. 

“In a way, you have.” 

He tilts his head and leans towards her. “What do you mean?” 

Before Katara can reply, Aiya comes by. “Fire Lord, the Avatar has arrived.” 

Katara walks with Katsuo in her arms with Hikari and Aiya towards the stables. She watches as Aang helps Toph off of Appa and the two of them approach her. 

Despite his age of twenty-two, Aang still has the same air of childlike wonder. He bows respectfully. “Hello, Fire Lord Katara. I’m pleased to be a guest of yours once again.” 

“Thank you, Avatar Aang.” 

The two of them look at each other, taking in their formal attire. Aang in his saffron and yellow and her in deep crimson. They descend into laughter and Aang takes Katsuo in his arms and cradles him. 

Toph comes closer and punches Katara in the shoulder. “Sugar Queen, is Little Spark still putting anything that he can find in his mouth? Remember when you screamed because he tried to put a baby turtleduck in there?” 

Katara chuckles softly and shakes her head. She motions for Hikari to come closer. 

“Toph, Aang, I would like to present Hikari of Miyako. He is the court painter.” 

Toph blows her bangs out of her face. “Sugar Queen, please tell me you didn’t bring us all the way here to meet your boyfriend!”

“Toph!” 

viii. 

In Katara’s office, she and Hikari explain the situation to Aang and Toph. They ask him questions with Toph confirming that he is honest in all his statements. 

Aang walks closer to Hikari and notes that he is spirit touched. 

Hikari leaves to allow the three friends time to catch up. 

Toph props her feet up on Katara’s desk. “Why didn’t you tell him he’s Sparky?” 

“Toph, I don’t want to scare him.” Katara says putting her head in her hands. 

Aang cups his chin in his hand as he paces the room. “Yeah, Toph. Imagine you were wandering the world with absolutely no memory of anything then found out you were actually Toph Beifong. How would you feel?”

Toph guffaws, “Like I won the fucking lottery.”

Katara bites her lip and looks at her friends. “I’ll tell him tonight at dinner.” Her voice starts to break, “I don’t want to hurt him. I don’t want him to run away or think we are lying.” 

Aang places his hand on her shoulder. “Don’t worry, Katara. We are here to help you. To help him. He wants to know his past. He might be mad at first but it will pass.” 

ix.

“Is that why you’ve been helping me? Because you wish I were him?” 

“You are him.” 

His stare is intense and she can almost see smoke coming out of his nostrils. 

“This is a trick, it has to be. Please tell me you all are joking?” 

“No, I would never trick you.” 

“But you already did. If what you are saying is true then you brought me here under false pretenses. How long did you plan on keeping me here? For the rest of my natural life?” 

Katara sighs, “Until I found some way to help you. So you could remember your life, remember us.”

Hikari shouts, “I can’t remember you because I don’t know you! I don’t know this place! This is the first time I’ve ever set foot in the Caldera!” He looks at her and for the first time ever he looks at her with pity. “I hope you get the help you need.”

“I’m sorry.” 

“Are you really? I can’t believe I actually thought you liked me.” 

“I do like you. I-I love you.” 

“No you don’t. Your husband is gone, I just happen to be the closest thing you could find to him. I’m leaving.”

Katara begs, “Wait! Just think about it. If you aren’t him why do you look so much like him?” 

“Zuko has a pretty large scar on his face. I don’t.” 

“It could have healed.” 

“Old scars like that don’t heal.” 

“Please, just listen.” Aang pleads. 

“No, I’ve heard more than enough.” 

He turns to Katara and bows. “Fire Lord, I will take my leave. I wish the best for you and your son. I hope you find out what happened to your husband. Goodnight. ”

“Zuko wait!” 

“Hikari, my name is Hikari.” He shakes his head as he leaves the dining room. 

x.

Hikari comes back into the dining room after maybe thirty minutes. “Zu- Hikari, you came back.” Katara can’t help but look at him with shining eyes. She resists the urge to take him into her arms. 

“I-- I don’t believe I’m your husband. But if I am, I am just a facsimile of him. A person is made up of mind and body and I remember nothing of his life, of my own life.” He looks at Aang. “You’ll still help me? You think it was a spirit who did this to me? If we find that spirit they can help me and they might know what happened to… _Zuko._ ”

Aang puts his hand on Hikari’s shoulder. “Of course, we’ll all help.”

Hikari’s voice is hard and his gaze penetrating like he’s speaking to some unruly ministers instead of his closest friends. He looks at each of them in the eye. He sternly declares, “Before this goes any further I want you all to understand something. I can’t be the Dawnbreaker.” 

Katara’s voice is gentle as she places a hand on his arm. “We don’t care about that, we just want you to be Zuko.” 

He lets out a breath and pinches the bridge of his nose. “I’m not sure I can be him either.” 

xi.

They walk through the garden side by side. 

She turns to him appreciating his face in the moonlight. 

“Kiyi, Uncle, and your mother are arriving tomorrow. I wrote to them and explained your situation. I’ll try to make sure they respect your boundaries. But they’ve missed you a lot and will be overwhelmed.” 

He puts his hand on her upper arm to stop her from walking further. His eyes almost glow as he looks over her face. His gaze is intense as he says, “I think I could love you, Katara.”

“I know I love you. I love you so much.”

“Do you love me or Zuko?”

“To me you are one person.”

He sighs, turning away from her. “No, I don’t think we are.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh!! If you are screaming, I’m screaming too. I hope you all are enjoying this story so far.


	4. the name

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a spark of inspiration and decided to update this fic! Thank you all for the support and patience :)

**chapter four** : the name

i.

She finds him in the gardens feeding the turtleducks. He is dressed in _Zuko’s_ clothes, wearing a red shirt underneath a deep maroon and gold vest. She notes how similar it is to his travel outfit during the war and tells him so. 

He looks down at the outfit in a new light and looks back at her with a soft half-smile. 

Katara sits down next to him and he passes her a piece of bread as the turtleducks continue approaching. 

A turtleduckling quacks softly before taking the bread from her. “Zu- _Hikari_ , do you want to come meet the airship?”

Hikari bites the inside of his cheek. “I'm not sure if I should- I mean I don't want to- What if-”

Katara reaches over and cup’s Hikari's face. He closes his eyes and leans in as she lovingly strokes his cheek, his left cheek. It is strange to her to touch it and feel smoothness instead of the familiar rough skin. “You will not disappoint them. They love you just as I do. They've prayed for your return just as I have. They want to help you.” She adds, “We all want to help you.”

He looks at her with awe and whispers, “How did you know exactly what I was thinking?”

She blinks back tears and gives him a small and sad smile, one filled with truth and love. “Because I know you even if you don't know yourself.”

ii.

They stand, waiting with their eyes turned towards the sun. 

She looks over at him as he shifts his weight from one foot to the other. Katara can almost feel the nervous energy radiating off of him. 

To calm him, she slips her fingers into his palm. 

He exhales as he slowly tightens his fingers around hers. 

iii.

The five of them sit in Ursa’s pale peach sitting room and Katara cannot help but think back to the mourning period after Azula’s death. But now, what was once heavy feels light. What was missing has now been found. 

Hikari drinks his tea, accepting the intense gaze of four people with unease. He places his cup down and draws his mouth into a straight line. He half-whispers, “I don’t understand any of you.”

A line forms between Katara’s brow as she looks over at Iroh, Ursa, and Kiyi. Kiyi continues drinking her tea and Ursa sits, silently, as if she didn’t hear what he just said. Iroh tentatively begins, “Nephew, what do you mean?”

Hikari throws his head back and anxiously laughs. “That’s exactly what I don’t understand. I deserve your hatred much more than I deserve even a small piece of your love.” He pushes his stray hairs out of his face, “I am a coward. Why don’t you see that I am a coward! I don’t deserve your help.” 

Hikari puts his face in his hands, “But gods, I need it. I cannot continue living this way. This is not a life. I know nothing of myself, of who and what I am.”

He lifts his head up and closes his eyes, attempting to focus on his breathing. “I know I am meant to love you all but I cannot truly feel it. I feel like there is a mountain keeping me from Zuko and until I reach him, I cannot ever hope to reach the rest of you.”

Katara reaches over and grabs his sleeve. With panic in her voice, she says, “That’s okay. It doesn’t make sense right now but it will. I promise that we’ll-”

His eyes widen as he moves away from her and kneels low, pressing his forehead to the floor. “I’m sorry. Spirits, I am sorry.”

“Nephew, please! That is no place for a Fire Lord.” Iroh cries. 

Hikari raises his head and replies, “I am not a Fire Lord, I am barely a man. I might as well be a ghost, haunting you all. I’m not a part of your family. I’m not a part of anything.”

Iroh approaches him and attempts to wrap his arms around his nephew, to pull him up off the floor. 

Hikari recoils and exclaims, “No! Please, I just can’t. I’m so sorry.” 

He flees the room and knocks the table causing a teacup to fall and shatter.

iv.

Hikari stays in his room for the rest of the day. He bites his lip as he considers that no one came after him. Not Katara, Princess Ursa, or General Iroh. Not even the Avatar, who often offered to meditate with him or take tea with him in the gardens. He is neither grateful or disheartened by being left alone...he just feels detached, from his _family_ , from himself. 

The servants bring him an evening meal of vegetable stew but as he stares at the meal, he finds that he has no appetite. He pushes the food aside and flops on the plush bed.

He falls asleep to images of dragons and blue masks.

v.

The next morning, he goes through his katas in the courtyard. Flowing from one movement to the next. At the veterans’ home, the others would often ask him where he learned to bend like that. Remarking that his movements were so different from the standard forms. He would always smile and nod until the conversation moved on to another topic. 

Hikari had no idea what they wanted him to say, they often acted as if their questions would spark some sudden realization in him to remember his past. No such realization ever came.

Hikari wipes the sweat off of his face and body with a towel and slumps onto the steps. 

In the corner of his eye, he sees someone approaching. 

_It's her_ , he thinks. _Fire Lord Zuko’s mother._

_(My mother)_

The regal woman bears a neutral expression as she stands before him but he can see her deep amber eyes peering into him. 

Hikari rises and bows respectfully, “Princess Ursa.”

When he sees the flash of pain in her eyes, he regrets it immediately. The firebender reminds himself that although she might not feel like a mother to him, he is her son. 

She returns the bow, then with a brittle voice, she half-pleads, “Please don’t ever call me that again.”

“Of course. Please forgive me,” he replies quickly. 

Hikari notes that she seems to be a woman who has lived with a great deal of sadness, because she is able to return to her neutral expression as if he didn’t just hurt her deeply. As if his words didn't pierce a part of her soul and shatter a piece of her heart. It is a skill to be able to live in such a way, to acknowledge pain but accept it like a friend. To live with it at your side and not allow it to overwhelm you. 

He wonders if he, _Zuko_ , was once able to do the same. 

Hikari doesn't feel that he was. 

Zuko seemed like someone who felt too much, lived too much, and meant too much. 

A man who was meant to be an ever-burning flame but chose to be a star. A star that burned until there was nothing left to give, nothing left to be. 

“Will you join me for tea this afternoon?” she asks. 

“Yes, of course,” he nods. 

“Good, I will have my attendant escort you to my rooms.”

His mother then walks away, leaving him with only the sun and his thoughts for company. 

vi.

“You must apologize to Katara. She has done nothing but love you.”

“Love has limits.”

“No, not real love.”

His mind turns to Zuko’s dead sister and imprisoned father.

 _Do you still love them?_ _Do you continue to hold them in your heart despite all their sins? Does Zuko still love them?_

He wishes to ask her such things but he has already caused this family pain, more pain than they deserve so he holds back these questions, taking another sip of his oolong tea.

Princess Ursa adjusts her pearl bracelet and sets her cup down. “You are not the only one who is afraid.”

The painter runs his finger along the rim of the gold-lined cup.

With an open gaze, she asks, “Why did you choose the name Hikari?”

His lips curse slightly at the question, a question that he was waiting for. His name, there is so much weight on it. With it carries a sense of self, one that he lacked as a lost person. In the veteran’s center, he had spent hours going through books, trying to find a name that called out to him. He said the names out loud, testing them on his tongue until he settled on a name that felt right, that felt real. He finally settled on a name from a childhood tale, one that he knew by heart. 

He pinches the bridge of his nose, “The young boy at the end of _The Dragon's Son_ , his name is revealed to be Hikari.”

Ursa’s crown glitters as she tilts her head, slightly. “No, that is not true.”

With narrowed eyes and knitted brows, Hikari replies, “What?”

Tentatively, the princess begins, “The boy's name is Hui not Hikari.” 

Hikari blinks slightly and leans in over the table, his interest peaked. “I mean no disrespect but I remember very few things about my life so the things I remember I cling to. I have clung to the knowledge that the boy's name is Hikari. That is what I remember from my childhood.” 

Ursa’s melodious voice turns brittle and she looks at him with a blend of hope but also sadness. “You remember that because that is the name I told you when you were a little boy. Your grandfather had a rival in the naval academy named Hui. He absolutely despised him so it became a little family joke that whenever he told this tale, he would change the name of the boy to Hikari. That is the way I told it to you. So you are my Zuko, do not be afraid that you aren't.”

A stiffness comes over his body and he turns his head towards the window, looking out into the garden at the pink flowers falling from the sky. “Please,” the misty-eyed woman whispers as she grabs his arm.

His eyes unfocus and his body tenses but he fights against the urge to draw back from her. He will allow her this much, he must allow his family some small parts of himself. Just for now until he can give them all of himself. He wets his dry lips, “I left you all.”

A burdened grin appears on his mother’s face and she lets out a soft breath. “But you came back.”

He reaches his hand out, slowly and unsure as he places it on top of hers. “Not as myself, not as your son. Either accidentally or on purpose, I forgot my life and everyone in it.”

“Do you want to remember?” The princess gently asks as she takes comfort in the gesture. 

In a half-whisper, Hikari answers, “More than anything.” 

vii. 

They spend hours in the library searching for things he is not sure they will ever find. Afterwards, he retreats to the plush-green gardens, breathing in the earthy scent and listening to the bird songs. It may be cowardly but at times he tires of the expectant looks of his family. He cannot give them what he himself does not possess. 

Hikari balances himself on the stone barrier, looking up at the white ripples in the sky. In the corner of his eye, he sees his sister, Kiyi walking along the path in her finely-made rose-pink robes. She is unburdened in a way that the other members of his family are not. When she looks at him he does not feel as if he could crumple under her expectations. 

He bites his lip before blurting out, “Do we have the same father?”

“What?” Kiyi replies with a lift in her voice. 

Hikari rubs the back of his neck as he looks down at her. “Sorry, I was just wondering. You look nothing like me or our _mother_.”

Kiyi fiddles with her robe and bites her lip, considering how to answer his question. “We have the same father,” she replies matter-of-factly. She blinks before continuing, “Uncle Iroh says I just inherited Grandma Ilah’s Shuhon look.”

Hikari purses his lips as he thinks. He feels little connection to many of the things they tell him about himself and their family but Shuhon and Grandma Ilah feel real but distant like a half-remembered dream. “Oh, okay,” the firebender says as he continues to walk along the barrier, keeping his balance. 

“Can I be honest with you?” Kiyi asks tentatively. 

“Sure.”

“You freak me out.”

He pauses and looks down at the girl before bursting into laughter. 

The teenager's eyes widen slightly and she furrows her brow. “Are you not offended?”

“No," he answers with a half-grin. 

“Why not?” 

“Because I freak myself out.” His smile widens slightly as he jumps off the wall to land in front of her. 

Kiyi cups her chin and looks at him with intense eyes. “If you had the choice to stay like this or gain your memories back...which would you choose?”

Hikari crosses his arms and matches her stride. “Why would I choose to continue to not remember anything?”

The teenager looks downward and lets out a sigh. “After our sister died you kind of fell apart. You ran away, burned your clothes, and left your crown on an empty island. Then you come back a year later without your scar. Whatever was troubling you, maybe you don't need to remember. But what do I know...” 

The painter places a gentle hand on her shoulder and meets her eyes. “No, I get what you are saying. Everything I went through, the good and the bad are a part of me. They are my life. I’m not Zuko without them. Every memory is meaningful, now that I don't have any I know that. Do you understand?” 

Kiyi grips his arm and whispers, “I just don't want you to leave again. I couldn't bear it, none of us could. We missed you so much.”

“I won't leave again.”

“How do you know?”

“I just do.”

viii.

There are no clouds overhead as he and Aang feed their companions in the stables.

Hikari watches the blood run from his hands after he finished feeding Druk bloodied hippo-cow chunks. He bites his lip, trying to form words that he has long wished to say. 

“I can tell that you used to love Katara.”

The Avatar does not look back at him, continuing to feed Appa hay. “There was a time where I did love her, a time where I even thought she could love me back.”

“What happened?” 

The Avatar turns his head to look at Hikari with searching eyes. “You really don’t remember anything.”

Hikari continues to wash his hands, unsure of how to reply. 

The monk quietly states, “You happened.”

ix.

The firebender holds the pipa upright as he uses his left hand to press and his right hand to pluck the strings.

Katsuo sits in her lap, smiling and cooing at the chattering and pattering of the instrument. Her husband looks at peace when he plays, he looks like himself. She wishes for him to always look and act as himself. 

Later, he stands in the doorway as she lays their child to sleep. Hikari takes slow steps and approaches the cradle, running his finger along his son's plump cheek. She watches with a soft gaze as his eyes mist over. He opens his mouth to speak but she takes his hand in hers, leading him to a futon in another room of the royal residence. 

Hikari takes her hand and his eyes flutter closed as he presses her hand up to his cheek.

Katara thinks of him and dreams of him and she knows he dreams of her. But she doesn’t know how long they can go on like this. Her with everything and him with nothing. 

“After you left I was so angry with you. For leaving me, us,” Katara breathes as his eyes remain closed. 

“I'm so sorry for leaving and for how I've treated you,” Hikari whispers as he presses kisses into her palm. 

“I would talk to you in my head. Sometimes, I would even have arguments with you. Even trying to come up with things to say that could hurt you. But after a while, I just wanted you back. I didn’t even care where you were or what you were doing. I just wanted you back.”

Tears fall down his cheek as he opens his golden orbs. “I don’t know how you people can stand the sight of me.” 

“Zuko, what’s wrong?” 

“I’m what’s wrong!” he hisses as he lets go of her hand, turning his head to look out the window into the grand city. 

She places a warm hand on his shoulder. He turns back towards her and meets her gaze. “You people love me and I can’t remember a single thing. I missed my own child being born. I left my wife to rule this country alone. I’m a sad pathetic person who hated himself so much that he had to change his face. I wonder if I willingly gave my memories up or were they taken as punishment for my vanity?” 

She closes her eyes and presses her forehead against his. “I love you. I want you and need you with me. I would never not help you.”

Katara feels his warm breath against her face as he murmurs, “Maybe you shouldn’t love me. I don’t think I deserve it.” 

She opens her eyes and gives him a soft smile. “But you have it. You came back. Don’t throw this away because of your fears. That is what made you leave the first time.” 

He presses a kiss to her cheek, “I-I love you, Katara.” 

“I love you, too.”

x. 

The sunlight is warm against her cheek when she wakes. She feeds Katsuo and dresses him before placing her hair in a simple braid and a donning a lavender robe. She carries Katsuo to Ursa's rooms to spend time with his grandmother and aunt, the child giggling as Kiyi hands him a rattle. She walks past Zuko's office and finds the door slightly ajar. Katara pushes the door open and enters the room. Her husband is sitting in the grand desk with scrolls, papers, and books scattered around the room. 

His long hair is disarranged and his robes are wrinkled but he wears a bright smile on his face. 

“I—I think I know where I went and what I did to get rid of my scar.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoyed Zuko/Hikari's perspective! I kind of lost the inspiration to write overall and experienced a close family death in the past month but I'm slowly getting back into the flow of writing and decided to post this chapter. I'm not sure when the next one will be posted but I haven't abandoned this or any of my fics. I fully intent to complete all my WIPs though it is taking more time than I originally anticipated.


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